Jim, Artie and a Federal Marshall watch as a stage coach rides into view. After a small skirmish, they stop the coach. Artie pulls the lady passenger out of the coach and Jim rips her head off. (It's OK, she's only a dummy. And no, I'm not referring to their usual dating material. ;-) ) Inside her neck, they find contraband boll weevils.
Jim and Artie interrogate the driver, who tells them he was hired by a man named Cass to drive from Sausalito to Mesquite. Jim decides to take the coach to Mesquite. While assisting the lady back into the coach, Artie notices a label for the Far Western Manufacturing Co. of San Francisco glued to her foot. He rips off the label and sticks it in his pocket. Artie goes to San Francisco to visit the Commissioner of the CA Department of Harbors, James Jeffers. After a bit of chit-chat to let the audience know the significance of boll weevils, Jeffers tells Artie that Cass works in his department. Jeffers sends the Harbor Police to find him. Five miles out of Mesquite, Jim is stopped by a gang of banditos, who send him off to Mesquite and take the coach. The head bandito sends a man to make sure Jim actually goes to Mesquite. Instead, Jim knocks the man off his horse and follows the banditos to a villa. Jim searches the villa, hits a gas trap and passes out at Fatima's feet.
Jim wakes up tied to a chair (and what that image does to this WENCH.... Anyone got a bucket of cold water handy?). Hassan reveals his plan to destroy the US cotton, wheat corn and barley supply with a pair of love- sick weevils (it appears I'm not the only one in need of that bucket). Hassan and Fatima leave and the guards try to chop Jim's head off. (I am immortal, I have inside me pork and -- oops, sorry, wrong series.) Jim knocks out the guards and, after stealing, I mean, impounding, a list of routes and employees, knocks another guy off his horse and escapes. Back in San Francisco, Artie finds the warehouse for the Far Western Manufacturing Co. and breaks in. Inside he finds several more dummies. Most of these are mannequins, but one of them turns out to be Cass' body. A man, Tucker, sneaks up on Artie and pulls a gun on him. Artie drops a rack of dummies on Tucker's head and escapes. He then heads back to Jeffers' office. Jeffers' daughter, Betsy, arrives and invites Jim and Artie to dinner. Jim accepts, while Artie makes an excuse. Before Jim can get Artie to a shrink, Artie explains that he wants to investigate why Tucker was going lobster fishing in a shallow draft flat boat. Later, an Old Sea Dog starts hanging out around the piers. During dinner at the Jeffers house, Betsy gets dragged into a coach and kidnapped. Jim follows.
Jim loses the stage at the docks just in time to see the lobster boat shove off. He decides the boat's more interesting than the girl and goes after that instead. Tucker takes the boat under the docks and loads a dummy onto it. He then escorts her to a buoy, takes her head off and fills her up with boll weevils. Then he puts her head back on and sticks her in a waiting coach. Jim waylays the coach and convinces the driver to go to the Presidio Police Station. Artie breaks back into the warehouse and finds Betsy. Tucker and several of his men also finds them and Artie completely fails at arresting them. Jeffers, meanwhile, has received a ransom note telling him to lay off the investigation or Betsy gets iced. Jim refuses to and leaves. Jeffers then pours himself a drink (doesn't he know you shouldn't drink with a concussion?). Jim goes back to the docks, to the spot where the woman was put in the boat. He goes up through the trap door and finds himself in the warehouse. He also finds Artie, Tucker and ... Jeffers, who turns out to be the Big Bad Guy.
After tying Jim up to match Artie, Jeffers reveals his plan to burn down the warehouse, rescue Betsy, kill Tucker and move the weevil operation someplace else. Bad news for him, besides Jim and Artie hearing the plan, Tucker has also been listening in. And for some reason, Tucker doesn't like the plan. Especially the bit about offing Tucker. So he shoots Jeffers (this is what you get for kidnapping your own daughter, folks). But there are a couple of bits that he does like. Like the fire bit. And the reorganization bit. Especially if he comes out on top. So he tosses a lamp into a corner and leaves. (Did anyone else notice that the spots where the flame shoot up are nowhere near where the lamp is, even accounting for drafts?) Jim and Artie escape and Artie rescues Betsy. Back at the villa, Hassan and Tucker toast a new partnership when they hear a knock at the front door (and people say that Jim doesn't have any manners ;-) ). Jim busts in, followed a little later by Artie, and beats everyone up.
Back at the train, Artie has set up a very nice, romantic dinner with Joanne when Jim and Mary interrupt. Jim, it seems, has decided that the boll weevils, Samson and Delilah, should have a chance to, er, "get to know one another" before being destroyed. Joanne and Mary agree and look on, totally fascinated while Artie is left in search of a cold shower.
And the ratings are:
Artie disguises: two stars Jim fights: twelve stars Artie's picture show three stars (one for each disguise shown) Shirtlessness: zero stars Kissing: zero stars Explosions: zero stars Total: seventeen stars