The Lost Episodes are never aired and almost forgotten episodes which have only recently been rediscovered and are now frequently quoted from by members of the list.
W-CUBED "LOST EPISODES" LIST
**All royalties to Steve Ullman sullma@atl.com for creating this phenomenon.
========================================================================
"Really, Mr. Gordon, did you think you could fool me behind that
theatrical putty and fright wig?!? ME, the greatest genius of the
19th Century?!?"
Dr. Miguelito Loveless, "The Night of the Suspension of Disbelief"
Wild Wild West - the Lost Episodes
-John Segale
=====================================================================
"Artie?!? ARTIE?!? Is that you?? Oh my God...!"
Jim West, `The Night of the Crying Game' Wild Wild West--
the Lost Episodes
-John Segale
=====================================================================
and this brand new, never-before-aired on TNT black and white episode...
ARTIE: Jim, I'd like you to meet my Great-Uncle, Milton Berle Gordon.
Uncle Miltie here taught me everything I know about the theater.
UNCLE MILTIE: [flicking cigar ashes on carpet] But I didn't teach you
everything *I* know, kid! Pleasure to meet you, Mr. West.
JIM: The pleasure is all mine. Excuse me, but what's that stuff all over
your face?
U.M.: *MAKE-UP!!!!* [stage hand enters screen left, swats them all
with a gigantic powder puff] sound fx: POOOOOFF!
"The Night Vaudeville Died" Wild Wild West -
the Lost Episodes
As far as I know, Great-Uncle Milton is not directly related to
Great-Aunt Maude -- I think they are from different sides of the family tree
( of course, on-going genealogical research could prove me wrong ;-) ).
John Segale jsegale@hsphsun2.harvard.edu
========================================================================
West: Sulfuric Acid?!
Madge: Uh, huh. You're soaking in it!
- TNOt Manicure
W cubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
========================================================================
"Artemus Nathanial Gordon! You get a hold of yourself
this instant! They were just birds, for goodness sake!
Now, sit down and eat your supper. It's getting cold"
- Aunt Maude, TNOt Pigeon Stew
W cubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
========================================================================
Artemus: Jim, you look absoulutely stunning in that broach!
West: Thanks, Artie. And no one can fill out a bodice
quite the way you can.
~ TNOt Crossdressers
W cubed, The Lost Episodes.
- Steve Ullman
=====================================================================
MQL: Don't you want to hear the details of my plans?
JW: I wouldn't think of spoiling your fun.
MQL: First, you, Mr. West, will swing on a chandelier and suffer
a serious concussion. Mr. Gordon here will trip over his
rifle and break his leg, then I will run out of a room full
of ducks, fall down and also injure my leg.
AG: It'll never work. Loveless, this time you've gotten *too*
bizarre.
TNOT Walking Wounded,
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
-Great Aunt Maude
======================================================================
Artie: A Lincoln Head penny for your thoughts, Jim.
Jim: (taking out contact lenses)
I just get so bugged when those telemarketers
call. It's always during Star Trek. We've
got call blocking and they still get through!
Artie: Bummer. We'll, I'm going to boot up to Windows
and see if President Grant has any email for us.
Jim: Groovy. By the way, Artie, I think you need
a broad spectrum antibiotic for that rash.
Artie: (glancing at Rolodex)
I know, James my boy. I'll put some unleaded
in the Lexus and run down to the drugstore.
Tomorrow's Memorial Day and they'll be closed.
Hope my Visa isn't over the limit or I'll have
to use an ATM.
Brian: (horrified)
This is all wrong! So *VERY* wrong!
~~TNOt Anachronisms
~ Wcubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
=====================================================================
"Alright, you knuckleheads..."
---Jim West; TNot Stooges
W-cubed, The Lost Episodes
Brian Spollen
WWW fan, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo
=====================================================================
Jim: I *told* you not to put so much of that stuff
in my heel compartment. You *know* how touchy it is!
Artie: I *said* I was sorry. Besides, they think they
can sew it back on.
~~TNOt Stump
- Wcubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
=====================================================================
Jim: Why didn't you use the Vulcan neck pinch on the count?
Artie: Dammit, Jim, I'm just a country doctor.
TNot Surreal Dr. McCoy
W-cubed Lost Episode
-Diane Tennant
=====================================================================
Jim: Hein, Artie- que lis-tu? Un livre de chemistrie?
Artie: Eh, non...
Jim: De physique? De mathematique?
Artie: Non encore.
Jim: L'art de lancer-seau?
Artie: Pas, non....
Jim: Alors, DE QUOI?
Artie: de l'Asterix. J'aime bien les desins.
"The Night of the Francophones"
-W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes
Translation:
Jim: Hey, Artie- What's that you're reading? Chemistry book?
Artie: Erm, no.
Jim: Physics text? Book on mathematics?
Artie: No.
Jim: How about "The Art of Bucket-Launching"?
Artie: Nope.
Jim: Well, what then??
Artie: Asterisk...like the pretty pictures.
{It's much funnier in French, trust me.}
[Kristin Sabo]
=====================================================================
Jim: So what do you think? Maybe another eight inches on the right?
Artie: Oh, at least ten if you want to conceal that sleeve rifle...
"The Night of the Shirt Extendedness"
W-Cubed: _The Lost Episodes_
[Kristin Sabo]
===================================================================
Jim: I still don't believe this.
Artie: So, what are you going to do?
Jim: Me? Well let's see, what are my skills? I can
beat up just about anybody, blow up all kinds of
stuff, I'm a great bucket rider, and I look good
in tight pants. Not a lot out there for me, Artie.
Maybe I'll just take Dr. Loveless up on his personal
bodyguard job offer. How about you?
Artie: Me? Well, I can do all kinds of fake voices, and
am a master of disguise. I've also been known to
get off some *really* good one liners. I don't
know. I've always liked the birds. Aunt Maude
says she can get me a job raising carrier pigeons.
She thinks they have a great future.
~TNOt Downsizing
~~W cubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
===================================================================
Voltaire: Please let me have them, Dr. Loveless.
Dr. Loveless: Now, now Voltaire, patience, patience.
Catherine: It was Steve's idea.
Steve: Hey! You took the damn poll! And you
thought he was toast too!
Voltaire: *PLEASE*??!!
Dr. Loveless: Voltaire, you know how I feel about deliciously
subtle torture. These two poor misguided
souls will first be forced to listen to
the music from The Night of the Spanish Curse
for three days. In Dolby stereo. Full
volume. *Then*, if they are still alive,
their eyelids will be propped open and they
will enjoy three days of The Night of The
Cossacks. On the Big Screen. In Sensurround.
Voltaire: And *then*?
Dr. Loveless: Oh, very well. Then you may bite them.
~~The Night Voltaire Got Even
~ Wcubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
=====================================================================
From: Douglas White @dsys.ncsl.nist.gov>
(Returning to the railroad car, the lamps are lit only to find that our
heroes are surrounded:)
West: "Good evening, gentlemen... and lady! To what do we owe the honor
of your visit?"
Gordon: "Jim! Don't you recognize these fiends? This is the group that
dodged the police in Brooklyn, and vowed your death!!"
West: "Ah... yes, I remember... (turning to kimonoed giant guarding rear
platform door) Hu-Saan, the Samurai butcher..."
Gordon: (to diminutive nurse clutching scalpel in menacing fashion)
"Ida Nowe, the antithesis of Florence Nightingale..."
West: (to other kimonoed twin in hallway) "... and brother Wat-Saan,
who was the clumsy one."
Gordon: (reacting to midget standing up on sofa) "... and Tom Arreau,
the artist with the daguerreotype daggers! Jim, we need a plan!"
West: "Right, Artie! You take Hu and Wat, I'll get Ida Nowe, Tom Arreau."
Gordon: (with look of incredularity) "What?"
West: "Wat-Saan second, Hu-Saan first."
Gordon: (with same look) "Who?"
West: "Hu."
(The villians, seeing the miscommunication, move closer...)
Gordon: (desparate, near anger) "All I want to know is, who's first?"
(Our heroes adjust, circling back-to-back...)
West: (near anger, himself) "Forget it Artie. I'll take care of Hu and
Wat, you take Tom Arreau."
Gordon: "Well, if we get out of this one, I'll take the week!"
West: (as the nurse pulls out evil-looking syringes) "Look! Ida Nowe!"
Gordon: "I wish you'd fill me in on things every once in a while! Ever
since you hit your head on that chandelier, it's been 'Who?',
'What?' and 'I don't know'. I'm taking you to the 3rd Base Hospital
when we reach San Francisco..."
(full scale brouhaha ensues, with fade to end of act)
TNo Meeting Abbot Castillians, TWWW Lost Episodes
=============================================================================
Jim: What'd you draw, Artie?
Artie: (reading card) I guess I'm number two.
Jim : Who's number one?
Artie: Didn't say, but you're number six.
Jim: I am *not* a number, I'm a free man.... Canada?
Artie: Last one across the border's an RCMP.
TNot Draft Dodgers
-W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes
[Kristin Sabo]
=============================================================================
Monty: "Behind this curtain we have: Captain Sumatra
strapped to a table, a sabre poised to run
him through."
Jim: "Plot complication number one- check."
Monty: "...and behind curtain number two: Captain Sumatra's
real identity is discovered by the assassin."
Jim: "Plot complication number two- check."
Monty: "You chose curtain number three. And behind number
three we have: Captain Sumatra being fed grapes
by slinky young girls!"
pause>
Jim: "Now just a minute. *I* get the girls; it's in MY
contract! Where the hell's Garrison?!? I want my
AGENT!"
~TN Bobby Got A Raw Deal,
W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes
[apologies to REM]
[Kristin Sabo]
===========================================================================
Jim: You know, Artie, Dr. Loveless' evil plans are like
a box of chocolates. You never know what you're
going to get.
Artie: My Great-Aunt Maude always used to say, "Evil genius
is as evil genius does."
TNOT Gumps
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Great-Aunt Maude]
==========================================================================
Artemus: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides
by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of
evil men.
Jim: Artie --
Artie: Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good
will, shepherds the weak through the valley of
darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and
the finder of lost children.
Jim: *Artie* --
Artie: And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance
and furious anger those who attempt to poison and
destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is
the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
Jim: *ARTIE!!* A simple "You're under arrest" will do!
TNOT Pulp Fiction
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Great-Aunt Maude]
=============================================================================
Lydia: "My name is Lydia Monteran, and I'm a West-a-holic."
Crowd of women: "Hi, Lydia."
~~TNot Substance-Abuse Clinic
~W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Kristin Sabo]
============================================================================
Jim: Artie, it's so clear out tonight I think I can see Pluto.
Artie: That it is, James, my boy. Listen, there's a new play
opening tonight by some guy who's all the rage in England.
Shakespar or something. Wanna tag along?
Jim: Artie, you *know* the only thing I like to watch are
James Bond movies.
Artie: C'mon, Jim, broaden your horizons. Immerse yourself
in culture! Ambassador Lincoln will be there.
Jim: Oh fine. Look, I'm glad we saved him but his material is
getting real stale. First it was four score this and four
score that, now it's five score this and five score that.
Artie: Yeah, that publicity *really* went to his head. He could
use some new writers. Maybe Kneubuhl is available...
Jim: I'll just stay here on Wanderer and catch MTV's Satellite
feed of that new band from England, the, uh...
Artie: The Beatles?
Jim: That's it. They're supposed to be real hot over there too.
Artie: I know. They opened for the last play by this Shakespar guy.
(off screen, Dr. Loveless and Antoinette
begin a duet):
Dr. L If you're going to San Francisco,
& A: Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
Brian: (truly aghast, adjusting codpiece)
ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!#$%$#@@$#%%#
~~The Night the Anachronisms Bent and Twisted"
~ Wcubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
=====================================================================
"Artie, I've been looking at buying a plot of land in this new
housing development in the Long Island area..."
-TNo Glengarry Glen Ross, W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Ray Mullins]
========================================================================
"Artie, this man has a hole in his neck the size of a
conductor's punch!"
-TNot Murderous Motorman, W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Ray Mullins]
========================================================================
"Hello, I'm Jim West. Even though I spend a lot of time fighting
criminals, I do spend a lot of time sitting while traveling.
And that can cause some discomfort. That's why I use
Preparation H
It soothes problem areas rapidly, allowing me to disembark
refreshed and ready to thrash some more villains. Compare it
against any other remedy. Go ahead - I dare you!"
-- TNot Endorsements - W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
========================================================================
"Have a seat, Mr. West!"
Miguelito Loveless, "TNot Poisonous Potty"; W^3: The Lost Episodes
[John Segale]
========================================================================
J: Hey Artie, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
A: But that trick NEVER works!
J: But I've been practicing! Nothin' up m' sleeve... Presto!
(Pulls out Voltaire, scowling, who starts to growl louder & louder.
Jim's jaw drops, and stuffs V. back in the hat.)
A: Aw, come on, just give that up.
J: Huh! Guess I don't know my own strength!
[Doug White]
========================================================================
J: Hey Artie, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
A: Again?
J: Just to prove the hand is quicker than the eye.
Nothin' up m' sleeve... Presto!
(Pulls out Dr. Loveless with a cross-bow, and pushes him back in.
Close-up of Jim, with his eyes bulging out.)
A: You'd look pretty funny, stuffed over a mantlepiece.
-NTot Kerwood Derby, W-cubed, the Lost Episodes
Bob Wittrock,
========================================================================
Kid 1: "I'm not gonna try it, *you* try it."
Kid 2: "Hey -- let's get Richie. He won't
eat it. He hates *everything*."
Richie: crunch crunch>
Kid 1: "He likes it! Hey Richie!"
Voice over: "Four out of five moms prefer 'Westies'
for their children who eat cereal.
That's 'Westies' -- the cereal with
James West on the box."
~TNot Endorsements [part II],
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Kristin Sabo]
========================================================================
Loveless: I have a foolproof plan
to assassinate President Grant.
West: I don't care.
Loveless: I'm going to blow up Denver
with a powerful new explosive.
West: Go right ahead.
Loveless: My deadly virus will wipe out
the entire population of the earth.
West: Cool!
- TNot Nitrous Oxide Overdose
W cubed, The Lost Episodes
[J R Gibbs]
========================================================================
Wally: Can I have a hunk of milk, mom?
June: All right, Wally. And please try to
speak correctly. You too Beaver.
Beaver: Awww! I didn't say nothin'!
June: (wringing dishpan hands)
That's enough, Theodore!
Wally: (concerned)
What's wrong, mom?
June: Oh, I'm worried about Ward. He's late again and
always does this when he goes out with that James
West.
Beaver: I think Mr. West is neat!
June: You wouldn't if you saw your father's condition when
he gets home. He's stinking drunk and smells like
bourbon, cigars, and expensive perfume!
Wally: (excited)
Cool!
Beaver: (enthusiastically)
Yeah! But mom, when he gets Mr. West drunk dad always
brings me neat stuff. That sleeve gun really comes in
handy with the bullies at school and last week he
brought me this cool clay from Mr. West's shoe heel.
See mom?
June: (wearily looking at "clay")
That's nice, dear.
We HEAR the door open and in walks Eddie Haskell.
Eddie: (to June)
You're looking lovely today, Mrs. Cleaver.
(to Beaver)
Hiya, Squirt.
Beaver: (tossing "clay" to Eddie)
Here, Eddie, catch!
We HEAR a deafening explosion and, when the smoke
clears, there is a hole where Eddie used to be.
~~Leave it to West and Ward
~ Wcubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
=====================================================================
Preacher: "And on the first day, He created
the wizard. And it was good."
Drooling women: "Aaaaaa-men!"
Preacher: "And yay verily did he on the second
day bring to life the terror."
Drooling women: "Praise be to Kneubuhl!"
Preacher: "And mightily he toiled- thrice more.
Green terror, dead, and surreal McCoy
then blessed our World."
Drooling women: "Halllll--lelujia!!"
Preacher: "Yet John's greatest lay before him, for
on the sixth day did Murderous Spring
take form."
Drooling women: <*bow heads*> <*genuflect*>
Preacher: "Thus he laboured until only one
task remained. And lo The Kneubuhl did
himself gather and produce the exhaulted
extended-shirtlessness. And all was right
with the World."
Drooling women: <*glancing at one another*>
S-Cubed: "He's MINE!"
Em: "I saw him first!"
Karen: "Oh no you don't..." <*pulls Em's hair*>
Cath: "You chicks need help...."
Debra: "Butt leave some for me..."
Kris: "Bite me...." <*punches S-Cubed*>
<*MAJOR squabble ensues*>
~The Night of the Church of Artemus
~~W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[apologies to Saint John the Kneubuhl]
[Kristin Sabo]
========================================================================
Jim: "Is that you humming?"
Artie: "Who me? I only whistle in graveyards...
can you make out what they're chanting, Jim?"
Jim: "Emmeyesee.."
Artie: "Next one sounds like: kay-hee-why..."
~The Night of the Mouseketeers
~~W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes
[Kristin Sabo]
========================================================================
Jim: as he re-equips himself with his usual arsenal>
Artie: the room, watches Jim a moment, then grins>
Jim *hard* on the back, the dagger in his
coat stabs Jim- blood pours out like a fountain.
As Jim doubles over, Artie whips out a chain saw and
saws Jim in half. The two halves begin running about
the Wanderer independently. Artie goes in the back
room, comes back with a Meducan (in its box), aims
it at his partner, then opens the lid. The upper
half of Jim begins screaming insanely while the
fountain of blood continues to pour from his back.
Finally Artie throws a smokebomb at both halves.
The acid in the bomb slowly melts the two halves
of Mr. West until nothing is left except his boots....>
~TNot Itchy and Scratchy
~~W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes.
[Kristin Sabo]
==========================================================================
J: "Artie, what is that thing?"
A: (not looking up) "It's a computer, Jim"
J: "What do you do with it?"
A: "Download .GIFs of Pamela Anderson, what else?"
~~~TNOT Happy Hackers
WWW Lost EP
Deb (nicknameless - Got any you don't want anymore, John?) Rich
=========================================================================
(looking into mirror)
"I'm going to go out, and I'm going to defeat Dr. Loveless today.
Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and--doggone it,
women worship me!"
Jim West, TNot Daily Affirmation; W-cubed Lost Ep
John Segale
========================================================================
From: "Brian D. Phillips" @emory.edu>
Gordon: Dr. Loveless has a new plan to kill you and Grant needs to...
VO: Still going and going and going...
"TNot Lepus" WWW, The Lost Episodes
Brian "Enough with Mr. Davis!" Phillips
===========================================================================
From: sabo@rouge.phys.lsu.edu (Kristin C. Sabo (esq.))
writer: 'This guy walks into a bar with a pigeon on his shoulder.'
<*pause*>
it>
"Been done before."
up paper>
'This guys walks into a bar with a duck-'
"Sh*t- wrong Arabella!"
up paper, scratches head>
"A-ha!"
'This guy stalks into a bar with a battery on his shoulder...'
~TNot Material Rehash # 85,421
~~ W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
========================================================================
From: John Segale @HSPHSUN2.HARVARD.EDU>
Lou: Mary, I'd like you to meet an old service buddy of mine. James
West, meet Mary Richards!!
West: How do you do, Miss Richards?
Mary: <> Oh, Mr. Graaaaant!
West: Miss Richards, this is my friend Mr. Gordon. I don't want him to
get lonely....A pretty girl like you wouldn't happen to have any pretty
friends we could.... well, you get the picture.
Gordon: Now, James, when have I ever needed any assistance? (moving in)
Miss Richards, perhaps you have a friend for Mr. West here?...
Mary: Wellllll, I think I might be able to persuade my friend Rhoda to
come along...
Gordon: SPLENDID!
(enter Ted Baxter)
Ted: Hi Guys!!!!!
(West springs into action, pummelling Baxter to the floor)
Murray (aside to Lou): I had a feeling I was going to like that fella.
from TNot CBS Double Date, W-cubed Lost Episode
John Nickname-god Segale jsegale@hsphsun2.harvard.edu
==============================================================================
From: "Brian D. Phillips" @emory.edu>
"...in SE-AA-TTLE!" - B. Goldsboro, TNot the Arriving Brides, WWW, The
Lost Episodes
Chief Onoma
=============================================================================
Deb (I'm not dead yet - I think I'll go for a walk!) Rich
___________________________
Jim - "Is he alright Arte?"
(Arte looks over the man's slumped body)
Arte - "He's dead, Jim"
"On the other hand, He looks kinda Canadian"
~TNot Trek West - a Lost Ep.
=============================================================================
From: sabo@rouge.phys.lsu.edu (Kristin C. Sabo (esq.))
Jim: <*BIFF*, knocks gunsel #3 out>
<*CRUNCH*, knocks gunsel #4 across the room>
<*ZWAPP*- gunsel 5 and 6 go unconscious as a chair comes crashing down
over their heads.>
Artie: "Holy same-six-stuntmen, Jim- how'd ya do that?!?"
~TNo William Dozier
~~W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
*THWACK!*
=============================================================================
From: "Brian D. Phillips" @emory.edu>
"All I wanna do is Zoom-a-zoom-zoom inna Boom-Boom" - "TNot Rumpwatcher",
Unreleased ad spot by West-N-Effect
============================================================================
From: sabo@rouge.phys.lsu.edu (Kristin C. Sabo (esq.))
> I thought I had seen them all, but perhaps not. I thought
> the ep about the guy who drank liqufied diamonds and
> became invisible was TNot Flaming Ghost, but that was
> on TNT only a month or so ago. What is the Flaming
> Ghost about?
alert, quit now or forever hold your peace...>
were warned...>
Jim: "Artie- you ever seen anything like it before?"
Artie: "It's a ghost all right -- but what's with the hand on his hip?"
~TNot Flaming Ghost
~~W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
(Yes, cheap humor- but *someone* had to say it. Absolutely no offense intended)
==============================================================================
"Allow me to introduce myself: I am Count Carlos Robespierre Manzeppi, lover
of all that is corrupt, forbidden, and blasphemous. This is my partner Emma
Valentine..."
"How do you do, Derwood."
"That's Darren!
SAM! What's that train doing on our patio?!"
"Well..."
TNot Martini--Make It A Double
The Lost Episodes
[Robb Miles]
=============================================================================
Great-Aunt Maude: "Artemus Gordon- you go right home this
minute and have a talk with that boy!"
Artie: "Nowww, Aunt Maude- Miggie's a goood boy
an' I'm sure he din't mean nothin'
by it."
Jim: with his pants>
"But Arr-tie, that little heathen
switched my chewin' t'bacco with some
funny green weed, an' then he put
roofin' tar in my new blue trousers!"
Great-Aunt Maude: "It's true, Artie. Jimmy was stuck
to the toilet seat, foamin' at the
mouth. Floyd had to cut him loose
with a straight-razor!"
Artie: "Aw now- that's just good clean
wholesome small-town boyhood fun..."
~The Night of Fife on Rim- Stoned
~~W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
Did you know The Night of Fire and Brimstone is on today?
=) =) =) =)
[Kristin Sabo]
=============================================================================
GORDON: "No wonder i couldn't find you -- you aren't even in the right
episode!"
WEST: "Well . . . after that blow to my head, I couldn't even remember how to
SPELL, so I looked up my condition in a medical dictionary . . . "
GORDON: "Next you'll be complaining that multiple personalities aren't really
'schizos' -- and nobody will be watching us then!"
excerpt from "The Night of the Amnestic"
W-Cubed: The Lost Episodes
RF Bagby
=============================================================================
"Provider One bids 2,000 quatloos for the earthman James West!"
"Provider Three wagers the earthman will never be tamed, and will have to
be destroyed!"
"Provider One Accepts."
West: Uuuhhh, Artie, what is going on here?
Gordon: I don't know Jim, but one things for sure: you've got a better
looking drill-thrall than me!
TNo Angelique Pettyjohn , the Lost Episodes
[John Segale]
===========================================================================
Pinky: "Hey Brain, what are we going to do tonight?"
Brain: "The same thing we do every night...try to take over
California! (And in the process rid ourselves of those
meddlers Mr. West and Mr. Gordon.)"
"TNot Animaniacs Stew"
- W-Cubed the Lost Episodes
[The Slye Fox]
=============================================================================
Jim: Where we goin' next, Artie? Huh, where we goin'?? Artie??
You seen my mouse anywhere, Artie??
Artie: Jim, I tole ya and tole ya. Heard about a job down in Lompoc,
bucking barley and protecting the president. Now *listen*, Jim. Jim.
Remember what I tole ya? Remember: stay away from the president's
wife this time. She's nothin' but trouble to us.
Jim: I'll remember, Artie, I promise. I remember things good.
Where's my mouse, Artie? I can't find my mouse and I want to pet my
mouse, Artie.
Artie: Oh, fer Christ's *sake*, Jim, I threw that mouse away, it weren't
no good any more, it was startin' ta smell.
Jim: (starting to cry) I want my mouse, Artie. And the President's
wife--she's so soft and *purty*, why are you so mean to me, Artie,
I didn't do nothin'! (brightening) Hey, you want I
should beat up somebody for you, Artie?
Artie: (sighing) You crazy bastard...
W-cubed, Lost Episodes
TNo Mice and Men
[Catherine Perz]
==============================================================================
From: Bob Wittrock @watson.ibm.com>
After reading S-cubed's plan for the gathering, I starting wondering
what ep-themed food might be served for the Saturday night dinner.
I'm sure there are many truely appropriate possibilities for this,
but the following came to my mind:
West: (Mouth full) Boy Artie, this hunk of fresh calamari I caught
is really tough!
Artemus: (Mouth full) Yeah, I must have boiled it too long. My piece
tastes like rubber!
-TNot Chewy Seafood
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
See you later,
Bob Wittrock,
aka "Musical Bob"
==========================================================================
From: John Segale @HSPHSUN2.HARVARD.EDU>
"Excuse me, James?" "Yes, Artemus?"
"Would you care for some tea?" "Why, thank you, my good chap!"
"One lump of sugar or two?" "Two, please."
"Here you go." "Thank you, my friend."
"Crumpet, James?" "How thoughtful of you!"
"I'm so glad we were able to convince that nice Dr. Loveles to come to
work for the government, so his great intelligence could be used for the
benefit of all mankind."
"Yes, he seemed a very nice man, once
he learned to control his temper. Well, it's a long train ride to Denver.
Perhaps now I will have time to finish knitting that sweater for you!"
"You really are a thoughtful man, James."
THE MILD MILD WEST -- from the pilot episode, 1965
==============================================================================
From: sullma@atl.com (Steve Ullman)
Jim: Artie, where *are* we?
Artie: Jim, judging from the terrain and the
depth of the snowpack, I'd say we were
in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.
Bullwinkle: Wanna see me pull a rabbit out of a hat?
Rocky: Again?
Mr Peabody: Come along, Sherman.
~TNOt Leaking Channel
~~W cubed, The Lost Episodes
- Steve Ullman
=================================================================
From: "Brian D. Phillips" @emory.edu>
To: wildwest@moose.uvm.edu
Subject: No, darn the luck...
West: I heard crying.
Gordon: It's a baby, Jim!
West: Phewww! What a smell from that diaper!
- "TNot Brown Eastern", WWW the Lost Episodes.
Chief Onoma
============================================================================
From: sabo@rouge.phys.lsu.edu (Cruise Director)
Jim: in> "Let's make camp here for the night."
Artie: likewise> "Good idea Jim. As it is I'm gonna be
saddle sore for a month."
Superstar: "Hey- Yeah! And like, get the hell off my back!
Get me some food, *hu-man*- and undo this damn girth will
ya'? And while you're at it- clean out my feet. I picked
up a rock about a mile back and it'l killlllllling me..."
on Conrad>
Pinto Gelding: slowly around at Artie> "Boo!"
~~The Night of Equus Mischievous
~ W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
[Kristin C. Sabo]
=============================================================================
From: Gnomones@eworld.com
Anne the Gnome
Artie: Why are you trying to develop tan lines?
Jim: So I can "make more moves than Allied Van Lines."
Artie: That sounds like a line from a song.
Jim: Shall I sing it for you?
Artie, cowering: No, please, not that! Anything but that!
Jim, beaming: My secret weapon, ha ha!
TNOT Would-Be Lifeguard, Act 2. . . . .
=============================================================================
From: Bethany Andreasen A153 857-3243 @warp6.cs.misu.NoDak.edu>
Jim:"Artie, I believe that Dr. Loveless intends to use his infernal contraption
to hypnotize the entire population of the country during the next
commercial break.
Artie: "You are correct, sir!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Wild Wild West Movie: TNot Talk Show Hosts
Can't you just see Letterman as Miguelito Loveless?
BJ
==============================================================================
From: Great-Aunt Maude @DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU>
========================
Artie: Hey Jim! Check this out. I've been working on this for weeks.
[He hands Jim a piece of fabric.]
Jim: Cloth?
Artie: Not the cloth, look at the seam down the middle.
Jim: Lovely handiwork. What's the point?
Artie: [snatches the fabric back] It's a new kind of fastener I've
invented. One side is little teeny hooks, and the other side
is, well, fuzzy. Let me show you. [Rips the fabric in two]
Two pieces of cloth. [Re-joins the fabric] Now, one piece of
cloth. It's amazingly strong. Think of the uses: it could
replace belt buckles, hang pictures on walls ... I'd bet with
enough of the stuff you could even hang a *person* on a wall --
Jim: Just one thing Artie - [he rips the two pieces of fabric apart,
slowly, emphasizing the loud rending sound] - this is the *Secret*
Service. Use that stuff, and it's no secret.
Artie: Oh, well. Back to the drawing board.
"TNot Velcro"
_W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes_
============================================================================
From: sabo@rouge.phys.lsu.edu (Cruise Director)
Colonel Richmond: "It's about this bill, Jim."
Jim: "Colonel, All popular romantic action heroes
have real-live, professional partners sir. Not
like those other "phony" partners."
Colonel Richmond: "This is the federal government, Jim. We
can't keep spending $10,000/ month on
your phone bill."
~The Night of the Live Sidekick Hot-Line
~~W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
"1-900 SAVE ASS"
[Kristin C. Sabo]
===========================================================================
From: bcs@SC.HARRIS.COM (Brian Spollen)
To: wildwest@moose.uvm.edu
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim: Hey, that knuckleheaded invention of yours just let Loveless
get away again! (pokes at eyes with forked fingers)
Artie: Oh, yeah? *You* could have caught him, you lamebrain, if
your pants hadn't split again (does the old quivering hand
with the upturned palm applied to the nose).
Pres. Grant: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
TNot Robonic Stooges
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
Brian Spollen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
==============================================================================
From: sabo@baton.phys.lsu.edu (Cruise Director)
Artie: "What are you doing, Jim?"
Jim: carefully in mirror>
"Trying to see what colour my eyes are."
Artie: "You mean you don't know?"
Jim: "Seems like every case they're different."
to train bursts open>
Jenny: "They're green!"
Corgi: "They're blue!"
S-Cubed: "They're hazel!"
LaVelda: "They're mine."
Deb RHRG: "You're leaving me behind!"
Steve: "They're dead!"
ensues>
Kris: paying any attention> "Artie's are most certainly brown."
Robb: as Groucho> "The *eye's* have it!"
~The Night of Occular Anarchy
~~W-Cubed, the Lost Episodes
[Kristin C. Sabo]
=============================================================================
From: bcs@SC.HARRIS.COM (Brian Spollen)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"200 Quatloos that Voltaire kicks West's tightly-clad posterior"
"500 Quatloos says Loveless's latest scheme will be foiled once again"
"TV Westerns for 1000 Quatloos, Alex"
TNot Gamesters in Jeopardy
W-Cubed, The Lost Episodes
Brian Spollen
WWW and ST:TOS fan
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
==============================================================================
From: Ross F Bagby @magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>
LOVELESS (clapping his hands and laughing with maniacal glee): I've won! I've
won at last! (Turns to face the two watching agents) You should have known that
your pitiful intellects couldn't prevent me flooding out Minnesota by moving
the polar ice cap into Lake Woebegone!
WEST (oddly calm): Don't be so cocky, Loveless . . . we'll just cover this up.
LOVELESS (stopping dead in his movements): Cover -- this-- up??!!
ARTEMUS: Sure -- put up a few detour signs on the roads, fake a maps, and most
people will never even guess that it's gone.
LOVELESS (the awful truth beginning to dawn): But -- all of Minnesota . . .?!
ARTEMUS (more in sorrow than in anger): Doctor, Doctor -- you know perfectly
well that so few people actually GO to Minnesota, it could be -- ohh -- Jim,
what would be your guess . . . ?
WEST: Say, a hundred twenty years until the loss was noticed. (Shrugs and
smiles) Give or take a decade.
LOVELESS (looks from one to the other with growing dismay, then begins jumping
up and down in a tantrum): OOooh --- I hate you, you,you, West!!
TNo the Submergence of Minnesota
W-Cubed: The Lost Episodes
RF Bagby