Ding Dong Love- Less Is Dead Love- Less Is Dead Love- Less Is Dead Ding Dong Doc- Tor Love- Less Is Dead
Jim and Artie ride into town, watched by several evil looking dudes. They stop at the Sheriff's Office, then head for the funeral parlor. The ELD start signaling each other -- a flick of the hat here, a sly look there, wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, say no more. They find the Sheriff, who shows them a coffin. Inside the coffin is a very dead-looking Dr. Loveless. A young woman comes in, does the weeping widow bit, grabs a key off of Loveless' wrist and pulls a gun on everyone. The Sheriff goes for something in his pocket (right after the PYT tells everyone to not move, doyh!) and she shoots him. A bottle falls to the floor. Jim disarms her. Artie takes the key and puts it in his pocket ("What has it got in its pocketses?"). The ELDs sneak in the back. The head ELD and the PYT know each other, cause that's how we finally learn everyone's names. She's Triste and he's Deuce. Deuce takes the key from Artie. He tries to take Triste's gun away from Jim but Jim doesn't like it and decks a couple of Deuce's henchmen (Ace and Trey, perhaps?). Jim shoots the chandelier, which starts a fire. Triste runs out the front door, Artie gets knocked down and Deuce & Co. run out the back. Jim and Artie are about to follow Triste when they remember, hey, we're the good guys, we can't leave the Sheriff here to die. So they drag the Sheriff out of the burning room, leaving Loveless all by himself.
Back in the train, Artie is examining the key while Jim has a cup of coffee. Artie wonders why Triste and Deuce want the key. Arabella arrives with a note saying the key is from a safety- deposit box located at the Pioneer Bank in Mendosa under the name Gideon Blodgett. Jim and Artie decide to head for Mendosa. The bank owner, Mr. Wells (gee, I wonder where they got that name from <G>), tells them two other people have been asking about the box -- a very attractive young lady and a not-so-attractive, powerful young man who smiled a lot and whose key didn't fit the lock (bet he wouldn't have any trouble getting into the men's room of the hotel Jim and Artie were staying at last month, though). Mr. Wells locks them in the safety-deposit box area and they unlock the door to the box. The box hisses and explodes. Inside the box is another box with a message with the number of another box. Artie opens it and it whistles but doesn't explode. Inside this box is a note telling Jim to go find Arthur Tickle. Jim goes to find Tickle and Artie prepares for his date with Triste. A man comes out of the bank and offers to take Jim to Tickle's place. Triste enters the train, searches around a bit, and finds Artie napping. She pulls a fan out of her hand bag and bops him over the head with it. Except that Artie turns out to be a dummy and the real one is over by the light switch. She tries to pull another gun on him, he gets it away from her and invites her to dinner. Jim arrives at Tickle's place, where he finds a talking myna bird and a commercial.
The myna bird, it turns out, is Loveless' last will and testament (can't he do a video tape like any normal villain? on second thought, scratch that idea). He names Jim his executor and tells him to take care of his next of kin. In return, the bird gives Jim the combo to some files containing, well, we don't know what yet, but since this is Loveless we're dealing with, it's bound to be good. The guy who led Jim to Tickle come in and he turns out to actually be Tickle(first name Elmo?). He's also Dr. Loveless' lawyer. (Let's see, Loveless is willing to blow up San Francisco in order to get a little bit of land back, tries to plant a fake James West into the Secret Service, tries to wipe out mankind several different times, shrinks an Indian Princess, and creates a means of dimensional transportation using paintings, yet still feels the need for a lawyer. Makes sense to me.) Tickle introduces Jim to Loveless' uncle, Doktor Werner Otto Liebknicht of the University of Zurich, who looks amazingly like Dr. Loveless. Doktor Liebknicht immediately accuses Jim of being a wicked person on account of Jim's hounding his poor, innocent nephew and ought to die. Like uncle like nephew. Fortunately, Deuce & Co. arrive to save Jim from the embarrassment of being executed by a pip-squeak. After a bit of gunplay, Deuce announces that he wants the key or rather, the combination to the files. Jim refuses because according to the will the files are property of the United States Government. Besides, Deuce is out for their blood and probably wouldn't let them live anyway (picky, picky). Meanwhile, back at the train, Artie is still wining and dining Triste (short pause while the DAMEs all sigh). He gives Triste a real long speech about her beauty and the jute mills and she tells him about Tickle. Deuce offers Jim & Co. a truce if they put down their guns and come out. Elmo wants to go for it. Liebknicht prefers to trust Jim. Jim refuses and answers with a little more gunplay. One of Deuces' men throws a gas canister through the window, which Liebknicht identifies as one of the chlorides. And everyone holds their breath while we head for a commercial.
Tickle panics and runs out the front door, thus proving that his name isn't the only thing he shares with a muppet. Wadda wuss. Deuce doesn't like wusses either, and he shoots him. Jim and Liebknicht grab the bird and sneak out the window and leave in Elmo's horse and buggy, followed by Deuce & Co. Stopping briefly, they hide behind a giant rock and have Deuce follow an empty buggy. Jim and Liebknicht head for Liebknicht's sanitarium to look for the files. Artie and Triste arrive at Tickle's place and find Tickle's body. Artie finds the myna bird, which Jim has conveniently left behind. Triste grabs Artie's gun, shoots him and rides off. A man comes out of the bushes and helps Artie up. The bird squawks, which tells Artie it came from somewhere near the seashore. Jim and Liebknicht arrive at the sanitarium and enter through an abandoned mining shaft (doesn't every sanitarium have one?). Deuce and his friends arrive just in time to announce the next commercial.
Deuce & Co. arrive in the tunnels, shooting. After a few rounds of hide and seek, Jim takes a couple of explosives out of his heels and hands them to Dr. Liebknicht. he decks a couple of the men then has Dr. Liebknicht set off the explosive, sealing Deuce & Co. in the cave. Scratch one set of bad guys. Dr. Liebknicht shows Jim into an elevator and they enter Dr. Loveless' office at the sanitarium. Dr. Loveless' desk is surrounded by hanging globes. Jim asks about the files and Dr. Liebknicht shows them to him. After a few more snide remarks, Dr. Liebknicht reveals that he is really Dr. Loveless in disguise (hands up who didn't see this coming). It turns out Dr. Loveless was having a few problems with Deuce, so he used Jim to get rid of him. Now it's Jim's turn to be gotten rid of and he crashes to the floor. Several doctors arrive at the sanitarium. Oh, and Triste arrives. Artie also arrives, clobbers one of the nurses and bamboozles his way past the other one using the old you've-got-a-fatal-disease- and-don't-even-know-it-here-let-me-stick-this-drugged-thermometer- in-your-mouth technique. Works every time. Jim wakes up to find himself half naked and strapped to a gurney. He's being wheeled past some rather noisy inmates and into an operating arena. Dr. Loveless comes in dressed for surgery. He tells Jim and everyone else he's about to perform a frontal lobotomy on Jim. Monsieur le Docteur Ramone de Lapeletier of the Sorbonne (guess who) interrupts with a bunch of medical gobbledygook and incidentally passes a knife to Jim, who cuts himself loose. Jim and Artie escape after a fight, lock the nurses in the arena and head after Loveless. They attempt to create a diversion by releasing the inmates only to find the inmates are all fake. They get to Loveless' office where they find Loveless and Triste. Jim gets the files and, after a little chitchat, Loveless disappears into the wall behind him, leaving Triste. (Let's see, Antoinette disappears he almost shoots Belladonna, he abandons Triste and he fires Delilah out of a cannon. Anyone see a pattern here?) The files burst into flames as will the whole room unless they get out of there. Triste opens the elevator and the three escape as the sanitarium goes up in flames. Triste starts crying because she thinks Loveless is still inside. Jim doesn't believe it.
On the way home from a date with a couple of train bimbos, Jim and Artie find a package waiting for them. They bring it inside and Jim opens it up. A whistle goes off. Guess who it's from.
Great Lines:
Jim: His bottle probably wasn't even loaded.
And the Ratings are:
Artie disguises: two stars Jim fights: seven stars Shirtlessness: five stars Explosions: six stars Kissing: zero stars Loveless: five stars Total: twenty-five stars