Elizabeth Lawrence
Copyright 1996
Jim and Artie have three days to get Princess Wanakee back to her tribe, before the tribe goes to war with the US. Following a lead from a telegram, they journey to Gravetown and find Dr. Loveless waiting for them. Loveless escorts our heroes into the sheriff's, forces them to sit on the floor (after a minor disagreement), gives them his usual spiel about how he's going to rule the world and locks them in jail. Using a blowtorch hidden in Jim's boots (you means it's _not_ standard in most boots?), Jim and Artie break out, beating up the guards in process. Loveless tells Princess Wanakee to prepare herself to meet Jim. Jim and Artie go up to Loveless' house and find an open window. Jim climbs in and, guess what?, it's a trap.
In the teepee room, Loveless finishes chaining up Artie. He introduces them to the Princess and leaves. Wanabee Princess, I mean, Princess Wanakee is a bit miffed at the wonderful rescue attempt and tells Jim off. This, of course, earns his immediate respect. Back in his lab, Loveless and Antoinette gloat over his new toys. Using the blowtorch, Jim cuts off his anklet. They're about to start on Artie's, when Antoinette brings dinner. Jim beats up the guards and escapes. Antoinette runs and tells Loveless, who tells her to go fetch the Princess. After beating up more guards (I really hope these guys have disability insurance), West winds up in the Garden room, where he finds Loveless, the Princess and a gun pointed at her head. He gives Loveless his word that he and Artie won't escape. The guards take Jim and the Princess back to the teepee room and remove Artie's anklet. Artie asks why Jim told Loveless they wouldn't escape and the Princess tells him about the gun at her head. Back in his lab, Loveless rolls a cigar especially for Jim. The next morning, Loveless gives the cigar to Jim, who smokes it and collapses into a very worried Artie's arms.
Jim wakes up in bed. A very _big_ bed. A bed big enough that Jim has to climb down the sheets to get to the floor. A full-sized Loveless enters, with a kitty-cat and Antoinette. Loveless picks Jim up and puts him in a doll house. Inside, Jim finds an equally small Princess. At dinner, Artie sees Jim and the Princess, loses his appetite and insults Antoinette's duck. Loveless then reveals his plan to shrink everyone down to Jim's size and rule the world.
Later that night, Jim leaves the doll house and gets chased into a rat hole by the cat. Loveless throws an eight-ball after him. After getting past a spider (which always used to give me nightmares growing up) and a mousetrap, Jim winds up in an arena, fighting the cat for the Princess' life, while Artie, Loveless and Antoinette watch. Artie throws Jim the lock pick and Jim stabs the cat with it. (Nit-pick alert: Jim stabs the cat's paw closest to the camera. The cat runs, and then starts licking the paw also closest to the camera. The problem? The cat's now facing the opposite direction.) Loveless nets Jim and the Princess and starts showing off the antidote. Artie grabs for the antidote and misses, which irritates Loveless enough to throw it. This time Artie does catch it and tosses it into the arena. Jim takes the antidote and returns to normal size (and not only do his clothes grow with him, but a rip in his left knee repairs itself). Jim beats up the guards one last time. Antoinette and Loveless run to his lab and swallow some of the powder. Jim and Artie chase them, only to find they've escaped, riding a raven. They return the Princess to normal and they take her to her wedding.
Lessee, there was no shirtlessness, no kissing and Artie didn't have one disguise. Was there a point to this episode? Oh yeah, Loveless.
And the ratings are:
Artie disguises: no stars Jim fights: ten stars Artie one-liners: nine stars (well, I have to give him something) Loveless: five stars Duet: five stars Total: twenty-nine stars
Sheriff Loveless
Wanakee and Jim
Jim vs the Cat