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Lady Beatrice |
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The Prince |
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The "Prince" |
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Elizabeth Lawrence, Copyright 1997
James West rides up in a carriage to a very expensive health spa. Two hundred dollars a day for room and board and taking a mud bath. But they don't allow any tipping, so that makes it all right. He goes to the front desk and asks about His Smugness, the Crown Prince of the South Sea Coral Islands. Not only are they expecting him, but they even redecorated the room, the A Suite, of course, for him. West registers under the name Roger Colby (Hey! West is in disguise!) and gets stuck in the B Suite. But he doesn't want to see the B Suite, so he goes wandering about the grounds and crashes into a woman and ruins her dinner. He leaves and she goes to refill her plate. Two men watch them and compare notes. He arrives in the B Suite, goes into the next room and starts searching it. The two men go off to watch the sunset. West finishes his search, relaxes in a chair and a really scary giant carving spits an arrow at him. It misses Jim, but it apparently doesn't miss the close captioner, because the captions are missing for the rest of the episode.
West examines the carving and finds a drawer with a crossbow in it (doesn't every really scary giant carving have one?). He goes back to his room, does some fiddling with his cane and cigar case and creates a miniature telegraph office. The big fat guy, Claude Duchamps a.k.a. Boojie, goes up to the woman Jim crashed into earlier and asks if she wants a drink. She tells him she doesn't drink spirits. He then goes up to the other guy he was talking with earlier, Count Vittorie Pellegrini. They discuss a booby-trap they've set up for Jim in the Prince's room and plan to have Lady Beatrice Marquin Gainsford (that the one Jim crashed into earlier) discover his body while delivering flowers to the room. Boojie hopes she doesn't faint, since she's such a delicate creature {smirk}. Jim telegraphs a message to Artie, telling him to keep the prince away from the spa. There are arrow shooting carvings there. Artie writes down the message out loud. The prince appears and talks about your spoiled brats. He's egotistical, lazy, vain, conceited.... Nick Adams must be having a ball. Poor Artie, though. He tries to convince His Smugness to go back to San Francisco (why? we don't want him). No lucky. Keeping Princy-poo happy is very important if they want a treaty with his father signed and he knows it. Back at the spa, Lady Beatrice walks in on Jim. She's a bit surprised since he's still alive. She delivers the flowers and asks about the Prince. Jim tells her he's married and she leaves. Back in her room, Boojie and Vittor sneak up on her. She balls them out, slaps Vittor, threatens Boojie with a dagger and tells them to do better next time or she'll cut out their tongues. I like her. Boojie agrees with her, cuz they can do whatever they intend to do with His Smugness until Roger Colby, I mean West is out of the way. And speaking of His Smugness, he's playing diamond and ruby checkers with Artie. The train stops and your stereotypical train robber gang walks in. They knock Artie out (again) and take the prince. Jim rides up and neatly cons (batting eyelashes and all) Artie into taking the Prince's place at the spa.
After a brief commercial to allow Artie to get rid of, I mean change his clothes, we return to the spa. Well, the audience does, anyway. Jim and Artie are late. Finally, Jim arrives and announces the Crown Prince. DAMEs everywhere collapse in ecstasy at Artie's outfit. So does Liz, but for a different reason. Some people should *not* go shirtless. The "Prince" greets everyone then goes up to his room. Lady Beatrice notices that the Prince is a fake and blames Vittor and Boojie. Artie and Jim arrive in his room and Artie complains about how cold he is in that outfit. Outside, Boojie accosts Lady Beatrice and Jim stops him. Can you say set up? Jim escorts her back to her room {sigh} and she offers him some drugged whiskey. He collapses face down into her lap {double sigh, what I wouldn't give to be in her place} and she shoves him to the floor (idiot). Boojie and Vittor enter and take him down to the mud baths {or Vittor and Boojie's place}. Bea either watches them leave or watches Jim's butt {such a fabulous view} as they leave and pours herself a drink out of a different decanter. One at the baths, they strip Jim naked except for a towel in a strategic location. Boojie leaves (who wants to see him in a towel?) and Vittor (who doesn't look bad in a towel) pulls Jim into the mud. Only Jim faked being drugged and pulls Vittor in with him. And the WENCHes go crazy as they watch Jim and Vittor fight in the mud. Ya-HOO! Jim wins, of course. He sticks Vittor (who's towel has come off) in a corner and climbs out. Unfortunately, his towel stays on as he crawls over to the fountain to wash off. But it's a *very* clingy towel.
Back in the Prince's room, Artie hears a knock on his door. He pulls out his gun, sits in a chair and tells whoever it is to come inside. It's Lady Beatrice (and watch how slimy Artie can get). She's there to warn him a couple of nasty fellows plan to set him up in a sting. He tells her not to worry, he's familiar with their plans and anyway he has a gun. She picks up the gun and aims it at him. One small problem, it's not loaded. But that's ok, she has another one that is. Meanwhile, Jim's gotten his clothes back on (drat). He re-arms himself, leaves the mud baths and heads for Artie's room. Artie and Lady Bea are gone. (Dear Jim, I'm leaving you for Lady Bea....) Up in a cabin somewhere, we find Artie all tied up (ooh, kinky). Lady Bea has him in a chair with a crossbow aimed at his (rather nice, if a bit flabby, is that better, KJ?) chest. It'll go off unless he tells her where the prince is hidden. One problem, Artie doesn't know where the prince is. Lady Bea and Boojie have a drink while they wait for Artie to squeal. Cold-hearted little b****, isn't she. Vittor (back in his clothes, too) arrives, followed by Jim. Lady Bea threatens the crossbow with a knife unless he puts down the gun. Jim shoots the crossbow (and it was such a sweet crossbow, too, it's not its (note proper usage of it's and its) fault it was dragged into a life of crime). The men who kidnapped the Prince enter, followed by the Prince. It turns out Jim was the one who had the Prince grabbed. So much for trust between partners. It also turns out that the Prince was the one who hired Lady Bea and co. to kill Jim and the Prince. Oops.
While we were gone, Jim (sans jacket, but that's all) and Artie were locked in the storage room. Artie's a little upset cuz Jim didn't bring any clothes with him. The door opens and Vittor escorts them to see the Prince. The Prince tells them he's about to have a buffalo hunt. A two-legged buffalo hunt. Vittor locks them back in the storage room and Jim pulls a small ball out of his heels. Later, Vittor and Boojie take Jim and Artie to a coral. The Prince rides and decides to hunt Jim first. (Nice shot of Jim's backside while they uncut his hands, btw. And then of both of them when Jim hands Artie the bomb.) Trelaine, I mean the Prince hunts Jim while Artie cuts himself free. Jim snaps the Prince's lance, knocks him off his horse and is about to give him the spanking the Prince so richly deserves when Lady Bea shoots her rifle at him. I guess she's the only one allowed to spank the Prince. Artie throws the bomb and knocks Vittor and Boojie out. Lady Bea pulls her rifle on the Prince. Apparently, Lady Bea has plans for her future and they don't include living the rest of her life on his rotten little island. All she was interested in was his jewels. Jim starts laughing and tells her they're fake. For once, the Prince uses his head and goes along with it. She takes it badly and Jim grabs her.
Back at the train, the Prince enjoys pate aux truffles and a chicken dinner. He ought to be in jail but there's this small problem of diplomatic immunity. It's good to be the Prince.
Good lines:
Artie: Ya know something? I got a Big Mouth.
Artie: Can't we play a little roulette or something? I'm wearing my lucky molar.
Jim: Yeah, but it's got a cavity in it.
Artie: Blue! That's the color. Blue!
Jim: If you're going to die, Blue's a lovely color.
Jim: You want your pants back, don't you?
Boojie: It's a wonder he didn't clank when he walked.
Artie: Pretty is as pretty , uh, does. Very pretty.
Jim: It could be worse. You could be molting.
The Prince: It's cheating. It's dishonest. It isn't even lady-like.
Lady Bea: Oh, I hate you!
Jim: You've just made my day.
And the Ratings are:
Artie disguises: one stars Jim disguise: one star (well, he tries anyway) Jim fights: ten stars Butt shots: ten stars Writing God: five stars Shirtlessness: ten stars Kissing: zero stars Explosions: no star Total: thirty-seven stars
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Lady Beatrice |
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The Prince |
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The "Prince" |
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